Failure as a Woman, Mother

I am sorry if this post upsets anyone as it is not intentional in any way or form, but it is what is in my head and my experience over the last week so it is totally MY JOURNEY and MY THOUGHTS and so it is not impled to anyone else but ME.

I am not sure exactly where my thoughts have actually originated from………………….maybe the media and the “family” stereotypes, maybe religion…………………………or maybe I have heard it from other people and it has stuck to me.

There is A LOT of pressure these days about what to do and what not to do in pregnancy because if you do this……….it might lead to this, this and this.  I am sure you get my drift.  Plus I guess shock horror I was on anti depressants with Emma but if I wasn’t Emma and I would not be here at all right now.  I would have simply been another PND/depression suicide statistic and maybe in the media for how cruel would I have been to kill myself and my unborn child.  But of course that didn’t happen because here we both are.  But there is also another pressure of producing “healthy children”.  Although it takes two genes to create the bundle of joy, but as we are the ones carrying them for nine months, it is really up to us to make sure nothing happens to the unborn child.

As my readers would already know Grace has autism.  That has been hard enough to deal with and we seem to be forever jumping hurdles.  I know internally I felt some guilt about this.  Why I am not sure exactly but I thought I was a bit of a failure.  But then again when looking at the pregnancy I did everything according to all the restrictions and I was not on anti depressants.

But now we have my gorgeous Emma and believe me she is siply gorgeous.  Over the last few months we have been having a horrible time with Emma.  She is three and all of a sudden she is not sleeping, fears are to an extreme, her eating is worse and worse, she is tantruming every two seconds.  She is just becoming harder and harder.  We have been seeing a fantastic paeditrician and we have been on the waiting list for Sunshine hospital assistance.

But it has come to the extent that I am simply not coping with either of the girls.  Every day is just so hard with the crying, tantruming, hitting out at me and all the rest. By the time Steve comes home I have had enough and simply just want to escape.

As Grace has recently started with a new Occupational Therapist (OT) I was talking with the therapist that everything on the questionnaire is Emma.  She I bit the bullet to get Emma assessed as I cant wait for another 3+ months for Emma to get some help. So Emma has now been diagnosed with severe Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

Although I felt some relief that I actually have done something for Emma so I can help her as much as I can but I also went through the grief cycle of receiving another diagnosis.  But that night I was in tears with Steve apologising for not giving him two ”normal” children.  I know that sounds ridiculous but I cant help but feel that in some way I have failed him.  Plus I guess I do have a nagging guilt about the anti depressants.

It is just so hard at the moment with the two and there are some horrible thoughts going through my head.  But at the end of the day I had gorgeous cuddles with the girls this morning and no matter what nothing can take away the wonderful feeling of that experience.

Why is there such pressure on mums?

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4 comments to Failure as a Woman, Mother

  • Abbey

    Hi Beck,
    It’s your mate from NBA from northpark u poor thing just sounds like a bit of a hard time at the moment but i know what u mean about feeling like u have failed as a mum i can’t stand the media i think they focus way to much on the negative than the good there is way to much information out there these days which is making us poor mums into anxious depressed mess and its not fair cause i;ve got PND again but i was prone to getting it but mine is more the anxiety part than the depressed part. But this time i know how to deal with it alot better sometimes i have to sit there and disguinise whats reality and whats not for eg hubby is taking the kids camping this weekend and already i;m thinking what if there is a fire and other what ifs but i can’t say no and i don’t want to say no cause i don’t want them to miss out they love camping. And i blame alotof that on the media with showing alot of bad things so now i don’t have the news on or bad movies etc on i have turned it all off cause if not i’ll drive myself nuts again.
    But i think ur doing a wonderful job with the girls but i’m not going to say that i know what you are goin gthrough cause i don’t but i understand the PND side of it all but i do take my hat off to u, u have had a few speed bumps but u have got over them and u can do it again and againxxx

    • admin

      Thank you my gorgeous Abbey. It definately is hard when you get it another round. I was really hoping that this time round you would have had an easy ride. I guess what you have to remember is, is that you got through it once I am sure you will get through it easier this time round. Make sure you write down what helped the first time so you have all the strategies there for you at hand.

      The anxiety area is hard but I guess you have to remember to think is this reality or is it just the anxiety. You know you can call me anytime gorgeous.

  • Janice

    I know exactly how you feel Bec. I went through/still go through this with Ryan. My pregnancy with Ryan was so easy, I was fit and ate well but I still had a baby with an unknown (at the time) syndrome with years of doctor/specialist/therapist appointments to work my life around. I was under pressure to breast feed but he couldn’t due to an underdeveloped tongue. I was constantly worrying that I wasn;t doing the ‘homework’ properly and I would damage his chances to develop, etc.

    I was lucky and had/have a brillant medical team & MHC sister. When I got pregnant again, I stressed about what the outcome would be but I lost it and they found cancer. Cleared the cancer and lost the next baby (chromozone problems) and then I had Tracey, the stress I wouldn’t want anyone to get through. Will the baby survive, will she have the same syndrome as Ryan, didn’t help when they couldn’t find her heartbeat just as they were about to the do the Caesar!! Little bugger had moved!

    Society puts pressure on Mums & Dads to be the best, but we can only do what is right for our children and family as we can’t control outside influences who don’t know our child like we do. It’s not easy and I have screamed and cried and have the anti-depressants to help me cope but I just try my best at the time and what will be will be. ((Hugs))

    • admin

      Thank you Janice for your wonderful post. I had no idea what you went through. It is just so tough and I guess like your post pointed out we do not have all the control with what happens in the womb. But one thing you forgot was that you have two gorgeous children who are excelling with everything they do. They definately would have not been able to do this without a wonderful mum and dad who are always there for them.

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