I am sorry if this post upsets anyone as it is not intentional in any way or form, but it is what is in my head and my experience over the last week so it is totally MY JOURNEY and MY THOUGHTS and so it is not impled to anyone else but ME.
I am not sure exactly where my thoughts have actually originated from………………….maybe the media and the “family” stereotypes, maybe religion…………………………or maybe I have heard it from other people and it has stuck to me.
There is A LOT of pressure these days about what to do and what not to do in pregnancy because if you do this……….it might lead to this, this and this. I am sure you get my drift. Plus I guess shock horror I was on anti depressants with Emma but if I wasn’t Emma and I would not be here at all right now. I would have simply been another PND/depression suicide statistic and maybe in the media for how cruel would I have been to kill myself and my unborn child. But of course that didn’t happen because here we both are. But there is also another pressure of producing “healthy children”. Although it takes two genes to create the bundle of joy, but as we are the ones carrying them for nine months, it is really up to us to make sure nothing happens to the unborn child.
As my readers would already know Grace has autism. That has been hard enough to deal with and we seem to be forever jumping hurdles. I know internally I felt some guilt about this. Why I am not sure exactly but I thought I was a bit of a failure. But then again when looking at the pregnancy I did everything according to all the restrictions and I was not on anti depressants.
But now we have my gorgeous Emma and believe me she is siply gorgeous. Over the last few months we have been having a horrible time with Emma. She is three and all of a sudden she is not sleeping, fears are to an extreme, her eating is worse and worse, she is tantruming every two seconds. She is just becoming harder and harder. We have been seeing a fantastic paeditrician and we have been on the waiting list for Sunshine hospital assistance.
But it has come to the extent that I am simply not coping with either of the girls. Every day is just so hard with the crying, tantruming, hitting out at me and all the rest. By the time Steve comes home I have had enough and simply just want to escape.
As Grace has recently started with a new Occupational Therapist (OT) I was talking with the therapist that everything on the questionnaire is Emma. She I bit the bullet to get Emma assessed as I cant wait for another 3+ months for Emma to get some help. So Emma has now been diagnosed with severe Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).
Although I felt some relief that I actually have done something for Emma so I can help her as much as I can but I also went through the grief cycle of receiving another diagnosis. But that night I was in tears with Steve apologising for not giving him two ”normal” children. I know that sounds ridiculous but I cant help but feel that in some way I have failed him. Plus I guess I do have a nagging guilt about the anti depressants.
It is just so hard at the moment with the two and there are some horrible thoughts going through my head. But at the end of the day I had gorgeous cuddles with the girls this morning and no matter what nothing can take away the wonderful feeling of that experience.
Why is there such pressure on mums?